Understanding Survivor’s Guilt

People can experience unexpected and challenging moments that affect their lives. Sometimes, a person may survive a situation or event that others did not. This can include surviving a car accident, a natural disaster, or being less affected by a situation that impacted other people. These experiences can lead to overwhelming emotions, including survivor’s guilt.

What is survivor’s guilt?

Survivor’s guilt is a feeling of remorse or guilt for having survived a situation that others did not. This emotional response is often characterized by feelings of responsibility and self-blame. It can occur even when no one dies; the term “survivor” can refer to anyone who made it through a difficult situation.

Situations where survivor’s guilt can occur include:

Natural disasters where some people lost their homes, while others didn’t
Workplace layoffs that affect some employees but not others
Car accidents involving multiple vehicles or passengers
Medical situations where some patients recover while others face more serious outcomes
Family crises where some members are more affected than others

People experiencing survivor’s guilt may feel a false sense of responsibility, even if the outcomes were beyond their control. Those experiencing it often struggle with thoughts like, “Why me?” or “I should have done more.“

Survivor’s guilt symptoms

Symptoms of survivor’s guilt can vary, and they can include emotional, behavioral, and physical signs. Symptoms of survivor’s guilt include:

Persistent feelings of guilt about surviving or being less affected
Remorse about not being able to help others more
Shame about feeling relief or gratitude for your own safety
Emotional numbness or detachment
Difficulty sleeping or nightmares
Flashbacks
Changes in appetite
Fatigue or low energy
Withdrawing from friends, family, or social activities
Difficulty concentrating
Neglecting self-care or responsibilities
Negative self-talk
Having intrusive thoughts about the event

Understanding these signs can help you recognize when you or someone you care about might be struggling.

Why do people experience survivor’s guilt?

There are several factors that can contribute, including:

Difficulty making sense of the situation: Often, we want to find patterns and explanations for everything that has happened to us. However, traumatic events can defy logic and reason. When a car accident happens on a route you take to work every day, the randomness can feel overwhelming. For example, a person who survives a car accident might struggle with questions like “What could I have done to avoid this?” or “What if I stayed at home?” The struggle to find an explanation can leave people feeling responsible, even when they aren’t.
Empathy for others: Seeing others suffer while surviving oneself can intensify feelings of guilt. For example, a person who walks away from a car accident unharmed can feel immense guilt if they notice others are seriously hurt. They may find themselves thinking, “I should be the one suffering, not them.” This empathy can make it difficult to accept that random events don’t reflect deservingness.
Feeling powerless: Traumatic events can strip away a sense of control and can leave you feeling powerless. For example, a person who survives a natural disaster might think, “I should have warned my neighbors” or “I could have done more.“
Taking false responsibility: People may think they “should have” prevented an event from ever occurring, even when this was impossible. Taking on this misplaced responsibility can be a way of maintaining the illusion that one has more control over events than they actually do.

Understanding these factors can help reduce feelings of shame and self-blame.

Coping with survivor’s guilt

Coping with survivor’s guilt is a process that often takes time, patience, and professional support. Everyone’s journey is different, but there are coping strategies, including:

Acknowledge and validate your feelings: The first step in dealing with survivor’s guilt is recognizing that your feelings are valid. Try to avoid judging yourself for having these feelings.
Challenge negative thought patterns: Survivor’s guilt often involves negative thinking patterns that can keep you stuck in a cycle of emotional distress. Learn to identify and challenge these thoughts. Examine the evidence for and against your self-blame, and then consider what you would tell a friend in a similar situation.
Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would show a friend. Speak to yourself with gentle compassion. Acknowledge that you did the best you could with the information and resources you had, and allow yourself to feel grief without adding guilt to the mix.
Maintain connection and support: Isolation can make survivor’s guilt and grief worse. Accept help from others rather than trying to handle everything alone. Consider joining a support group for people who have experienced similar trauma, which can provide emotional support.
Focus on self-care and routine: Take care of your physical and emotional needs. Maintain regular sleep, eating, and exercise patterns. Try practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing, grounding exercises, or meditation.
Seek professional help: Therapy can be particularly effective for grief and trauma-related concerns. Licensed therapists can provide trauma-informed guidance. Different therapeutic approaches, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Trauma-Focused CBT, can be helpful depending on your specific situation and needs.

Supporting someone with survivor’s guilt

If someone you care about is struggling with survivor’s guilt, knowing how to support them can make a difference in their healing journey. Supporting someone through trauma or grief may require sensitivity, patience, and understanding. Here are a few ways you can support someone experiencing survivor’s guilt:

Listen without judgment: One of the most powerful things you can do is simply be present and listen. Create a safe space where they can express their feelings without the fear of judgment. Ask open-ended questions that allow them to share at a pace that’s comfortable for them.
Validate their experience: Survivor’s guilt can make people feel isolated, misunderstood, and alone. Validation can be incredibly healing. Acknowledge that their feelings are real and understandable. Let them know that it’s normal to have emotions and feelings after traumatic events. Avoid comparing their situation to others.
Be patient: Recovery from survivor’s guilt often takes time, and there may be setbacks along the way. Don’t take it personally if they seem withdrawn. Be prepared for them to revisit the same concerns many times, and remember that your presence matters.
Encourage professional support: Gently suggest therapy if symptoms are interfering with their daily life. Offer to help them research therapists who specialize in trauma, and continue your support even when they’re working with a therapist.

Your continued presence and understanding can play a monumental role in their healing journey. However, working with a licensed therapist is often necessary for grief and trauma recovery.

Takeaway

Survivor’s guilt can affect anyone who has lived through traumatic events. While these feelings can be overwhelming, it’s important to remember that they can be a normal response to abnormal circumstances.