Maintaining a strong, healthy marriage isn’t something that just happens automatically; it’s something you build with small, intentional choices over time. The encouraging part is that you don’t need grand gestures or months of effort to make a difference. Even small shifts in how you interact with your partner can help increase positivity in your marriage and strengthen the bond you share.

If you’ve been feeling disconnected, stuck in a cycle of frustration, or unsure where to begin, you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves slipping into patterns that dampen connection. The good news is that you can begin to take meaningful steps. A “high road” approach, choosing kindness and intentional care, can help start changing the tone of your marriage.

The importance of positivity in relationships

When researchers study long-lasting, satisfying marriages, one thing consistently stands out: healthy relationships have far more positive feelings and actions than negative ones.

Dr. John Gottman, a researcher on marriage and communication, found that happy, stable couples maintain a much higher ratio of positive moments. These moments include things like affection, appreciation, humor, support, and kindness. These positive exchanges act like emotional “deposits” that can strengthen the relationship over time.

Positive interactions can help you and your partner feel:

  • Seen
  • Appreciated
  • Heard
  • Safe
  • Connected
  • More resilient during conflict

When couples feel emotionally safe, they may be more likely to communicate openly, repair disagreements quickly, and give each other the benefit of the doubt. In other words, increasing positivity in your marriage doesn’t just feel good; it can build a stronger foundation for everything else.

Why do we tend to focus on the negative?

Even when things are going well, it can be easy to focus on what’s going wrong. Psychologists call this the negativity bias, which is the concept that our brains are wired to pay more attention to threats, mistakes, and disappointments than to neutral or positive experiences.

In relationships, this can show up as:

  • Noticing what your partner didn’t do rather than what they did
  • Remembering criticism more clearly than compliments
  • Overlooking small daily gestures of love and care
  • Reacting strongly to minor frustrations

When a couple gets stuck in this cycle, positivity can naturally decrease. But the reverse is also true: when you intentionally bring more appreciation and kindness into your marriage, the emotional tone can begin to shift. Those positive moments start standing out more, and eventually they can outweigh the negatives.

What is the 5:1 rule?

The 5:1 rule comes from more than four decades of relationship research. Gottman found that stable, happy couples have five positive interactions for every negative one.

Positive interactions can include:

  • Saying “thank you“
  • Offering encouragement
  • Expressing affection
  • Sharing a laugh
  • Showing interest in your partner’s interests
  • Leaving a kind text or note
  • Giving a sincere compliment

Negative interactions might include frequent arguments, criticism, sarcasm, dismissiveness, short tempers, or unresolved conflict.

The goal isn’t to eliminate all negative moments entirely; no couple can do that. The goal is to intentionally increase the positive ones so your relationship has an emotional cushion to fall back on.

Tips to increase connection and positivity in your marriage

Here are a few ways to start shifting the emotional tone of your relationship, and steps you can take independently without waiting for your partner to make the first move.

1. Start with one sincere compliment each day

Even if it feels small, daily appreciation can add up. Personalize it by using an “I” statement:

  • “I really appreciate how you helped with dinner tonight.“
  • “I love how thoughtful you were with the kids today.“

It communicates gratitude, and it also creates a moment of connection.

2. Notice the good (even if it feels ordinary)

Your partner likely contributes more than you may realize: chores, emotional support, routines, and effort. Start acknowledging these moments instead of letting them blend into the background.

3. Use soft starts to conversations

When you need to talk about something frustrating, begin with a gentle approach:

  • “Can we talk about something that’s been on my mind?“
  • “I love you, and there’s something I’d like us to work on together.“

This can keep the conversation collaborative rather than combative.

4. Add micro-moments of affection

These small gestures can have a large impact:

  • A quick hug
  • Sitting closer on the couch
  • Sending a warm text during the day

These micro-moments can signal, “I care about you,” even when life feels busy.

5. Start a daily check-in routine

Just 5 minutes can help shift the tone of your relationship. Consider asking:

  • “What was the best part of your day today?“
  • “What felt stressful today?“
  • “Is there anything you need from me?“

6. Practice generosity during conflict

This might look like:

  • Assuming good intentions
  • Pausing before responding
  • Acknowledging your partner’s feelings, even if you disagree

Generosity during conflict can help reduce defensiveness and resentment, and it can help both partners feel respected.

How couples counseling can help

If you’re struggling to create a positive relationship dynamic on your own, or if both partners want deeper support, couples counseling can create a safe space to reconnect.

A couples counselor can help you and your partner:

  • Understand conflict resolution styles
  • Learn tools to break negative cycles
  • Improve emotional closeness
  • Repair trust
  • Strengthen long-term connection
  • Practice the 5:1 rule in practical, realistic ways

If you’re not sure where to start, findmytherapist.com makes it easy to find a couples or marriage counselor who fits your needs and accepts insurance.

Takeaway

You don’t need a perfect relationship or a perfect partner to begin increasing positivity in your marriage. Small, intentional actions can make a big difference, especially when practiced consistently.

Remember:

  • Positive interactions matter
  • You can begin to shift the tone of your relationship without waiting for your partner
  • The 5:1 rule provides a simple, research-backed roadmap
  • Daily appreciation, gentle communication, and small gestures can help create lasting change

By choosing connection, kindness, and curiosity, you’re laying the foundation for a happier, stronger, and more fulfilling marriage one moment at a time.