“It was one of those horrible, out-of-control conversations that go nowhere fast.” Her eyes filled with tears as she described her frustration. “I’m trying to tell James that I really need him to listen to me, but I can tell that he is not interested. This makes me so frustrated that I start to get upset, and before you know it, I’m yelling and crying. We end up at opposite ends of the house. I am fuming, and he is confused. What do I do?”
What happened here? Most of us have experienced the frustration of not feeling heard and respected; it’s human nature to escalate to be heard. Maybe if we push just a little harder, we think, they will understand and respond. Yet this strategy rarely gives us the satisfaction we desire. Even if we can force someone into a show of compliance or cooperation, this victory comes at a cost: a loss of warmth and a loss of respect…and we will probably have to push that much harder the next time! Beyond this, strong emotion tends to interfere with communication as it can distort our message, making it difficult for the other person to hear us and leaving us feeling discounted when we are perceived as overly emotional or irrational.
What is compassionate communication?
What we really want at times like this is communication. A key phrase to keep in mind at these times is “communication, not confrontation.” Even the idea that we might be walking into a confrontation can put us right into fight-or-flight mode; suddenly, our situation feels like “life or death.” We think we must have this particular need met or cease to exist in some important way. Such thinking is bound to create undue pressure on us…and on the other person.
In order to create the kind of space that enables clear, compassionate communication, it can be helpful to take the element of threat out of the encounter. We can help this process by taking a deep breath, getting clear about what and how we want to communicate our needs, then acting in a way that is most likely to get our mutual needs and desires met.
How to be a compassionate communicator
According to Michelle Becker, LMFT, developing a compassionate presence can set the stage for warm, loving, and successful communications. Her recent book on this topic applies primarily to couples, but the techniques outlined below are helpful for any type of relationship. They help us to stop and consider our deepest intentions in a relationship, whether with a romantic partner, family member, colleague, or friend. By taking a mindful step back and considering our deepest values and intentions, we can move forward with wisdom, spaciousness, and compassion for all parties, which ultimately enhances our sense of mutual connection and trust. These two methods come from the newly released book Compassion for Couples.
S.T.O.P.
This is a four-step process to interrupt the reactivity that can accompany interactions with those whom we care about. The moment we feel the rush of energy signaling a strong feeling, we can interrupt the reaction by stopping, taking a breath, observing, and then proceeding with our communication.
- Stop: We simply stop. We pause. Instead of responding, we take a moment before responding.
- Take a breath: Having stopped, we take a breath – or a few breaths – to let our physical stress response settle a bit. When we are emotionally triggered, the calm, rational areas of our brain are temporarily pushed offline, and our “emotional brain” (the limbic system) takes over.
- Observe: We ask ourselves, what is going on inside? Do we notice tension in our body? What thoughts are going through our minds? What is the context of the situation? What led to this particular situation, and what is a likely outcome? What do I need in this moment?
- Proceed: Once the emotional fires are calmed, we can proceed with our interaction with the wisdom that comes from being mentally and emotionally centered. We can bring the warmth and understanding that truly reflects our deepest intentions to the interaction.
L.O.V.E.
This exercise is most suited to relationships with a deeper sense of intimacy. These relationships can include couples or close family dynamics.
- Listen: First, we put aside our own needs and goals for a moment to understand the goals and needs of the other individual in the interaction more deeply. We also attempt to hold our judgments. It can also help to recognize that in this moment, our goal is not to evaluate who is “right” and who is “wrong.” We are listening simply to understand. Acknowledging this can help us set aside the pressure to be right.
- Observe: We then take a moment to really look at the other person, noticing their facial expression. Are there tears? A frightened expression on their face? Tension in their body language? Whether their attempts to be happy in this moment are working or not, are skillful or not, we look more deeply to see that this is a person, just like me, who wants to be happy.
- Values: As we notice the struggle and suffering in the other person, allowing our hearts to be touched by their struggle, we take time to consider our own values. Also, we want to consider how we would like to honor these values in this interaction. For example, if one of our most cherished values is to treat others with kindness, even in times of difficulty, we take a moment to reflect on this value. Let it inform your interaction in the moment. We can also choose to consider what we value about this person when we aren’t feeling triggered by their behavior.
- Express: Having listened, taken time to observe the other person, and checked in with our deepest values, we can now express our thoughts and concerns from a wiser and connected space.
Honoring our common humanity
When we take the time for a meaningful pause using one of the methods outlined above, we not only create the best possible circumstances for successful communication, but we also learn to tune into our common humanity. Humans have a fundamental desire to be happy and free of suffering. When we stop, observe, listen, reflect on our values, and proceed with compassion, we not only enable warm, clear communication but we truly honor our humanity and the humanity of the loved ones for whom we care so deeply. This can create a ripple effect as we learn to bring this intention to communicate from a wise, compassionate space more frequently in all our interactions.
Would you like to learn more about compassionate communication skills? A therapist can help you work on assertiveness and communication skills. If you or someone you know would benefit from learning more about compassionate communication providers, such as the clinicians from the Great Lakes Psychology Group network, schedule an appointment today.
Resources for compassionate communication
Compassion for Couples: Building the Skills of Loving Connection. Michelle Becker, LMFT
Don’t Suffer, Communicate!: A Zen Guide to Compassionate Communication. Cheri Huber and Ashwini Narayanan.