How Childhood Attachment Styles Shape Adult Relationships

Are you curious about why you act the way you do in relationships — romantic, platonic, or even professional? Have you heard of attachment styles? Attachment styles refer to the emotional bonds we form as young children with our primary caregivers. These relationships then grow into adult attachment styles, where we exhibit behaviors and traits deriving from childhood within our relationships (both platonic and romantic).

In this article, you will be provided with a brief history of attachment theory. You will then learn about the different childhood attachment styles (secure, anxious-ambivalent, anxious-avoidant, fearful-avoidant) and what they grow into in adulthood (secure, anxious-preoccupied, anxious-dismissive, and disorganized).

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory is based on the work of child psychoanalyst John Bowlby and developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth. Bowlby explored a child’s tie to the mother and its disruption through separation, deprivation, and bereavement. Ainsworth explored how mothers respond to their children’s needs and how this affects their development. From this work, the identification of the different attachment style patterns was formed.

Secure attachment style

Secure attachment is formed when a toddler has a parent who responds to them with consistent love and support. When the toddler becomes stressed and cries, the parent is there to support and comfort them. As the toddler becomes older, the parent continues to provide this love and support. The parents will then encourage their child to become independent by helping them reach their milestones (being potty trained, talking, socializing, driving, etc.)

When a child becomes a secure adult, they are more likely to

Have higher self-esteem and confidence
Have good communication skills
Properly regulate their emotions
Walk away from relationships when they become too problematic

The secure attachment style is the healthiest. However, one can have traits of secure attachment while also exhibiting traits of insecure attachment styles.

Anxious-ambivalent attachment style

Did you grow up with a parent who was the opposite of consistent? Did you receive mixed reactions from a parent when you were calm, happy, or in some type of distress? Did these mixed reactions from said parent leave you feeling confused? If so, this form of attachment in childhood is known as anxious-ambivalent.

With anxious-ambivalent, sometimes caregivers may act loving and show support, but on other occasions, they might seem harsh or distant. This leaves you, as the child, feeling confused. You do not know how to act around your parent, as you do not know which action will receive a supportive or harmful response from them. This leads to you having difficulty regulating your emotions. You may act clingy as a child and want to be near your parent constantly. You are likely to act out or cry to get their attention.

These emotional regulation issues can evolve into anxious-preoccupied attachment in adulthood. As an adult with anxious-preoccupied attachment, you may be more likely to:

Continue to have trouble regulating your emotions
Have a strong fear of abandonment
Constantly seek reassurance from your partner
View your partner or others more highly than yourself

Where the anxious-preoccupied attachment style has a strong presence of desiring closeness with someone, the anxious-avoidant/anxious-dismissive attachment style does not.

Anxious-avoidant attachment style

Did you grow up with an absent parent? Absent means that the parent may have been there physically, but was not present emotionally. Did this lead to you having difficulties socializing or becoming more independent earlier in life than you needed to? If the answer is yes, then these are traits of the anxious-avoidant attachment style.

Children with an anxious-avoidant attachment style do not get their emotional needs met by their parent. Emotional expression is not exhibited in this attachment style from the parent to the child. According to The Attachment Project (2024), “When such display of emotions occurs, caregivers can become angry and try to disrupt the child’s behavior by telling the child to toughen up.” This will then lead the anxious-avoidant child to become the anxious-dismissive adult.

As an adult with anxious-dismissive attachment, you may be more likely to:

Not be concerned with others’ emotions
Prioritize your needs over others’
Struggle to form close, long-term relationships due to a lack of emotional awareness
Exhibit a strong sense of self-sufficiency
Become defensive or push away support to reduce involvement

Traits of the anxious-avoidant/anxious-dismissive and the anxious-ambivalent/anxious-preoccupied attachment styles are present in the last attachment style, called fearful-avoidant attachment in childhood and disorganized attachment in adulthood.

Fearful-avoidant attachment style

In the fearful-avoidant attachment style, or disorganized attachment style, a child may have been abused by their parent. This could have been physical, psychological, verbal, or even sexual abuse that resulted in the child being afraid of their parent. Fearful-avoidant children have difficulty regulating their emotions. The children may have outbursts, tantrums, and difficulties with being able to self-soothe.

As an adult with fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment, you may be more likely to:

Crave close relationships but simultaneously fear them
Start arguments, cheat, or end relationships to push others away when closeness develops

Conclusion

Let this serve as an introduction to your understanding of attachment styles. Remember, please do not feel the need to identify with only one attachment style. As humans, we are very complex and will more than likely exhibit traits from multiple attachment styles.